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"Taking the Long Way Around..."

I wish I knew what happens,
And how it gets this way.

I have this theory...
That most things start out being a mistake from the beginning,
Because our heads get in the way.


In love,
We make these assumptions of what a person is;
Or what we feel they should be.

We sit down at dinner with them,
And attentively listen-
Searching for things
We want to hear,
And weeding out what we don't
Want to believe,

We choose the best of the traits of a person-
To build a script around.
We, the play-makers,
The safest ones...
Build their characters.

And we "fall in love" with them.
We fall in love with what we've built,
What we've created in our heads.

And we master it so well-
That we can almost predict what's coming next.

And then, when we do know,
We become disappointed,
That "love" didn't bring us all it was supposed to.

So-we change ourselves,
From play-maker
To our character's perfect mate.

We too assume a roll;
And play it...
As we search for happiness;
The happiness we are certain is there,
Behind the scenes.

And by the end of it all;
By curtain call-

We find ourselves more lost than when we began.
And we've stolen life from someone else-
Because they were never what we really wanted
From the beginning.

We are too afraid to let love find us;
So...
We create facades
That can't touch it,
And live in those instead-
In fear.

And I sometimes wonder what would happen,
If we let go of the idea of loving.

I think,
If maybe-
We stopped writing for just a moment and looked up-
We could really experience the feel of falling.

I am

disgusting.
No really, I am.
I'm absolutely tired of myself, and the way I look.
My face...is so broken out, and I weigh more than I ever have.
My jeans fit, but they are so uncomfortable and I'm not getting enough sleep at night.
And I feel...run down.
And my tension headaches are coming back.

And I bet you, if I lived anywhere but here, I wouldn't have to worry about carrying the extra weight that stress is holding on to my body.

Because nothing is more stressful than this nauseating town of Norman Oklahoma.

Dear You,

I'd do anything to kiss you and take you anywhere.

And not tell anyone.

Just take ourselves,
And all the music we own,
Roll down the windows
And drive down open roads;

I want to feel you next to me,
And see the sunshine on your cheeks,
And watch your hands dip and dive
Through the air-
Surfing the strongest winds,
As I'm sitting there,

With you with me.

I want to feel your lips on mine;
Out far away-
Watching horizon lines...
And the sun sink further down in the sky;

And your arms surrounding me.

And I want to explore the canyons of
The perfect earth
And breathe your love,
And when twilight comes-

Dance with you;
Under the colors Above
That sweep through your
Hair

As stars dance upon your words
As they whisper in my ears.

And I want you.
I want you far away,
And close to me.

With nothing,
And
Everything
To say

And listen to.

Dear You-
Run away with me.

The truth about me.

The truth about me,
Is the secret that I keep;

That would drive others away
That didn't understand.

It wraps itself up
In blankets of whispers
And buries itself in the ground.

It shields itself;
My whole self.
And I shatter windows
With the strength of my voice
My zeal

But I think all that strength is
Me forcing all things real into the ground.

I don't know what to do with me...

Where to put me,
How to contain me.

And people hate me,
But I'd rather have them hate me
And keep myself safe

Than let them rip me to shreds...

Where I can't run away.

I wish hopes
Didn't bring such sadness.

I wade in pools of the sadness
That hope brings.

It makes your heart dream,
And long
And thirst for things;
Impossible.

It makes you see a clear
Path,
Where no path is laid,

And those who pursue it might win,
But I find myself,
Always
Holding less than I began with.

And I wish I could
Have
Understanding at the beginning,
Instead of at the end...
And I realize-
That's not living,

But my hope
Is a fragile thing,
That grows quickly,
Shatters easily

And exhausts me.

It creates delusions,
And false ideas
That make my heart look up;
Until the lie has no more foundation,

And then I have no more foundation.

My hope-
It ruins me.
And sometimes,
I think it would better to be hopeless,
Than hopeful

And lose
The dream
Of what could have been

When it doesn't work out.

Because it never
Works out.

Done.

I am done with people that don't come around,
And done with people that take advantage of me.
I am done waiting on people who don't appreciate what they have,
Because they are too busy focusing on what they don't.
I'm done being sold out.
I'm done keeping my mouth shut.
I'm done pretending to be happy all the time.
I'm done getting the shaft.

I'm done with hoping that things will work out
Even though they never, not one time do...
Or ever will.

I don't mean to be negative.
I hate being negative
But I'm tired of being positive,
And getting my teeth kicked in...

Every day.

I'm done with people
That don't appreciate what I do for them.
I'm done with people that don't say thank you.

I'm done with not being able to tell people "no".

I'm done with doing huge favors for people,
That would never, in their lifetime-return the favor
For me.

I'm don't care if people talk about me.
Infact I love it.
But I'm done with friends that don't defend me,
And play all ends against the middle.

That crap's for the birds, man.

I'm done with selfish friends
Driving people away from me
Because they feel threatened.

I'm done with friends that never
Take the advice I give seriously
Enough to take it...
But don't mind asking over and over and over again.

I'm done with disrespectful people.
And I'm going to start giving people the same
Amount of respect that they give me,
Because I'm done playing fair
And being nice

All the time.

I'm done with people that say I'm "fake"
If I do something different than they expect...
Or different than they want.
I didn't realize the definition of "real"
Was doing everything everyone else expects,
And never making mistakes...
Never being human.

And if that's "real,"
I'd rather be fake any day.

I'm sick of people judging me by hearsay.
Meet me,
Love me,
Hate me...
But make up your own mind.
What that tells me,
When you judge me by what you hear-
Is that you don't HAVE your own mind.
So you don't deserve an opinion.

I'm done
With feeling inferior.
I am absolutely amazing,
And beautiful.
I am fun
And full of life
I am optimistic,
I am Jade.
And I'm done feeling like I'm not worth anything
Because people put me in that place

KNOWING
They can get me to do what they want.

They can't.
I'm done.

I'm done with answering to people that don't care about me.
I'm done with being chained to mistakes I've made.
I'm done being labeled.

I'm done trying to reach people
That don't want to see the truth.
I'm done trying to save people that don't want to be saved.
I'm done.


I'm done with not respecting MYSELF,
And not doing things I want to do
Because I'm waiting on other people.

I am going to start taking care of me.
What a switch!

And those who don't like it can leave.

It's not like they have a problem with leaving on their terms...
So today...
I make the rules.

From now on,
I AM the LEADING LADY in my own life.

And no one...
Is stealing my place
Anymore.

Formspring me anything!

So-
Words were venomous, they were.
And I felt a million miles from you.

And yesterday?
Was just plain awful.

It's like your microphone-
Your mouthpiece,
Only comes out-
When you can't keep me in line.

And was that all I was to you?
Something you could keep in line?
Because it feels that way.

And to say
That I wasn't enough...
When I gave my everything-
To YOU
That's the most unfair thing.

Because I was real...
Probably the realest thing you'll ever know.
And at one time,
I was YOUR Jade-
Something you were proud of.


And I wonder when having you,
Turned into selling out...
Losing,
And forgetting
ME.

It was never supposed to be that way.

And it hurts so bad,
Because there is nothing left to hold on to-
And vocally,
Yes-I crumbled our buildings...

But silently,
You poisoned the ground beneath our feet,
And it was something,
Completely unbeknown-st to me...

That you lost your love for me a long time ago.

I wish you would have just left.

That's what I wish...
Instead of day in and day out watching me be the glue-

I wish you would have left,

Instead of pouring how "terrible" I was into her...

I wish you would have had a spine and broke my heart into.

And you let her speak;
Like she was THERE-

And expect me to be respectful?

Here's your respect...

And I hate you.
I really do.

I hate you.
I hate you more than anyone I've ever known.

Because no one,
Can make me feel as small as you do.

And when I finally got the chance to
Shatter you-
I did it.


And now,
I don't know how to feel-
Empowered or

Sad and foolish...
Or all of it,

Because my prize-is gone.

I have nothing left-

Knowing that you didn't love me,
Leaves me no stories to tell about us...

Because there was never an us;
Only a you and a me-
Trying to please you;

It was fake,
It was only motions.

And I can't decide what hurts worse-
The idea that I held and lost...

Or the idea that I never,
In all of that time;
In all of those memories,

Ever,
Really had

You...

Something to be angry at

I wish I had something to be angry at-an object that symbolized this entire situation, that I could hit and punch and kick and scream at. An object I could stab and smash and wreck and ruin and throw up against the wall.
I wish I could break this like glass...and feel that rush; in the heat of the moment, as it shatters against the wall...and showers me with it's shards as they dive down-aiming deeper than the floor.

But then I think, even if I could break it...it wouldn't matter-because it wouldn't change the tear in your heart or the past that you have. It wouldn't change how even if you saw me...even if you really looked at me, and had the brief idea of "maybe"--you could never love me the way you love her.
Because first love, just mangles you like that and after you're used up, you're never the same.
So even if I was the one who WAS willing to write your letters, and water your flowers, and sit at your feet...the way she won't...the way she refuses to,
You would never, could never...never never ever, see-me.
Deep down you'd never want to.
Deep down, you'd be wishing every time the phone rang just because I missed you...that it was her...even though she doesn't. And the only reason she'd need you...was for selfish reasons, or because she was suffering because of the mere fact that I had you; and for the first time-she didnt...at her beck and call, constantly begging for mercy.
But I wouldn't MAKE you beg.
I wouldn't make you wait.
I wouldn't make you feel desperate for me.
I would let you have me.
And I guess that's the difference between her and me. She doesn't value what I value about you...like how you love your mother, or your bravery, or your strength. Because all she cares about-is herself, and tearing holes into you because it makes her feel important.
And she doesn't love you.
She loves having you at her feet.

And I don't even have to know her to know-
That I could love you...
More than her any day.
Because I, would be at your feet-

Asking you what you needed,
Writing you sonnets,
Playing you songs.

I would be by YOUR side-
When you needed ME.
Forever and ever, nomatter what.

But I think that's the thing that makes me SO UPSET about this life. The fact that people that would fit together, get broken by the people that don't deserve them...then can never fully appreciate each-other.

"It's you that I see-but you don't see me...and it's you that I hear...so loud and so clear; I'll always be waiting for you..."-Coldplay

I will always be waiting for you

And you'll always, be waiting...for her.

But that is life; and the way it goes...


I just wish-I had something to be angry at.

There's something to be said,
About the courage it takes-
To love someone.

That's the bravest thing of all.

Because it's something completely based on faith-

You put your heart out into the world,
And they let you in,
Or they don't.

They see you-
Or they don't.

They want you-
Or they don't.

And when they don't...
Which can sometimes seem like it's more often than not-

Being alone...
Seems so much better,
And it's instantly gratifying,
And there's no chance of pain or loss...

But in the end it's the easy thing.
Really-
It's the hiding thing.

It takes a lot of courage to give your heart away,
And wait on fate...
That has a mind of its own.

It takes a lot of courage to love someone.

Is it okay that I'm heartbroken?
And impatient,
I feel foolish...
Like maybe I didn't listen to God.

But I can't tell the difference a lot-
Between God and fear.

I'm so afraid,
That when I do decide to do things,
I drive them home...
Because I feel like I only have one shot...

To succeed.

And I usually fail.

But that narrow window...
Taunts me...
And tangles me.

And is it okay that I'm heartbroken?
Because

I made a fool of myself again.

Catching Rain

I'm so sick of writing
Songs to this rain.

It pours, and pours,
And washes through my hands;
And with everything in me I reach to catch it

But it leaves me lonely,
Day after day,
And the drops that roll down my shoulders
Are enough to torture me with hopes-
Of maybe.

So I keep my hands out...
And I lose it,
Over and over again.

And I wonder what would happen,
If I just let it go...
If I didn't try to catch it,

If then, it'd pool up in my hands;
And give me something substantial
And let me drink.

But the fear of losing by not trying
Is greater than the knowing I will lose if I try...

So I just keep
My palms up,

And confuse the water with my own tears;
And beg God with everything I am-

That today, I'll end up catching rain.

From Heartbreak

To Happiness

How I feel now

Tonight, I feel like loving you. I feel like writing you-and singing you; about how I don't know you...not the curve of your face, nor your smell, nor your laugh, but I dream to.
My heart beats here, for you there-and words pour from my fingertips, into cursive, secret, penmanship-about what I would say to you.
What would I say to you? About knowing things I shouldn't know, but I do...and knowing your bravery, though you don't know my first name...and how I admire you?
What should I say?
What am I allowed to say?

Could I tell you that my heart connects, with stories of you? And your courage is something I look up to, as if I've lived all this time to admire you?
And I see myself-
In strands of
Whispers about you...
And I wonder,
if you see you in me too.

And my hand may never touch yours-
My eyes may never meet yours,
But my heart wants to write yours,
And tell you-
That I know the difference between us and the world;
that we both see things through eyes that have seen too much-
And have heard things, that most lips should never utter.

And perhaps there would be clarity, sanity, sanctuary, haven-in
Each-other.

And I can't explain how I'm already addicted to a kiss that hasn't touched my lips...
Or a friendship,
that is as warm as a hug and as soft as a whisper.

But I indeed, am certain of one thing...


When I meet you...
I'll probably fall in love with you.


And even though I feel like loving you tonight;
That's the one thing, I am the most afraid to do.

Marry me

And let me wrap you
Up in these arms,
On this day,
And tell you how much I love you.


Before you leave.
And I can't say-

Everything your ears need to hear.

My Song of Myself

I kiss myself,
To taste myself-
My tongue longs
To drink
Breathing beauty-
Alive and real
And me

And

In my mouth,
I am sweet
Like cherry blossoms or
Honey

Like breaths taken after
The kisses of sonnets
That have slept inside themselves too long.

I am like nectar on the tongues
Of humming birds;
That birth spring and
Breathe innocence into the
Stifling rays of May.

And the breath of me
Whispers deep
And will wrap you up
Like a blanket,
Inside of me...


And I am
Like home.

My hips,
Are full,
They dance viciously,
And vibrantly.
They are every color of
This life.

And
They love themselves;
Hold themselves,
Adore themselves
With poise...
Grace
And subtle, tender, sweetness.

They soak in the fingertips
That use them.
Of passer-byes that have loved them,
Too much or too little
That pressed into them with anger
And rage,

Or sadness-and desperation-

To drink them up,

When my soft,
Perfect toes
Beg to run away.

And my neck is stained
With kisses of forgiveness,
And jealousy.
It is where I hold my spite,
And vicious weapons;
Pridefully.

It is covered with marks of beauty.
One or two-
Freckles that decided to leave their lips on me.
To cover up the truth

That my throat is no filter,
Where a filter should be.

And my tongue is
Sharp like a blade;
The shiniest razor-
That will cut you to the quick,
And make you bleed soft and sweet.

Or it will kiss you so deep,
Your feet can't breath-
Or think to run away from the catastrophe of me.

And you'll fall in love with me.
And not be able to pull away.
And wrap me up so tight...
And my chest will beg you stay-

So I can love you.
Forever,
And my hips might resent you.
At fingers' threat to pull away.

But still-
Without you,
I am.
Me.

Like the pastels that breath themselves
Into the ages of the oak table-
That leave their dreams inside
The seams of
The able wood.

Or the song of a watercolor dream-
That dresses and undresses itself-
And uncovers
The naked truths to the world...

Of Me.

And I am everything
That is touchable,
And taste-able
And tangible.
And right and real.

Everything beautiful;
That has crossed it's bare feet
On the hot pavements of rage,
Soaked itself in
The sadness of rain;
That is suffocated in the
Breathlessness of passion.

Everything
That sways
It's violent branches in and out
Of my chest...

This life that hums
And drums underneath my breast
On the chords of my heart,

To the deepest ounces of me.

And every song of me is sweet.
From the freckles of my skin,
To the threads
Of the fiber of who I am.

And I am truth;
My leaves luminous;
Every light.

I am the spring,
That is carried by the Autumn-
The Autumn Jade that I am.

Your truth-
That will use every drink of myself,
My lips,
My chest-
My lungs,
My everything
That will breath this life,
This air,
These seasons...

Into you.

I might just

Fall in this February...
Against my better judgement.

Wishes...
You saw me.

"Without your voice to tell me-

'I love you take a right...'
The ten and the two is the loneliest sight..."

The night is clear

And I breath it so-

And sorrow unclenches my chest-

And let's me go;

And the pain of losing you seems
Years away.

And all the waiting;
Obsolete.

The message came

And knocked me down,

And stole the world from me-

And nothing bolstered-
Not even earth;
Which rocked beneath my feet.

And I can't recall,
Where knees went wrong-
When I needed them the most.

And left was I,
With heavy heart;
Destructing pieces of it's own.

And fingers tensed,
And soul collapsed-
And sweat came to my brow;

And spinning was my
Hollow head-
Until it felt the ground.

I never knew such sorrow til
I begged for you to say;
The things that ears should never hear-

To wish me full away.

The beauty of friendship

Celebrates-

The value of Gerber Daisies,
The sound of laughter,
The excitement of getting out of my car alive-
The joy of a good Monte Cristo
And diet coke with cherries.

Best friend lady bug tattoos,
Wedding dress browsing,

Black princesses,
Red buttons that hide from us

The mending of a broken heart,

Being able to vent-

Singing songs from Legally Blonde,

And the color pink.

Eyebrow discussions,
And birthday parties for dogs-

Finding synonyms for "submissive"
Which is the OPPOSITE of "prude"

And knocking everything off the shelves at Target.

I'm almost

Certain-
There is a little

Melody
Inside this heart

But I let the waves get the best Of me and it falls apart...

Collapses right beneath me.

My precious melody-
All I have.

Today

Upon waking-
I lost you to the rain;

And in the mist
And loneliness-

My heart broke once again.

And tears

Hit the ground-
As my lips called out your name.

But you were too far gone
And far to close

To give me another chance.