Something to be angry at

I wish I had something to be angry at-an object that symbolized this entire situation, that I could hit and punch and kick and scream at. An object I could stab and smash and wreck and ruin and throw up against the wall.
I wish I could break this like glass...and feel that rush; in the heat of the moment, as it shatters against the wall...and showers me with it's shards as they dive down-aiming deeper than the floor.

But then I think, even if I could break it...it wouldn't matter-because it wouldn't change the tear in your heart or the past that you have. It wouldn't change how even if you saw me...even if you really looked at me, and had the brief idea of "maybe"--you could never love me the way you love her.
Because first love, just mangles you like that and after you're used up, you're never the same.
So even if I was the one who WAS willing to write your letters, and water your flowers, and sit at your feet...the way she won't...the way she refuses to,
You would never, could never...never never ever, see-me.
Deep down you'd never want to.
Deep down, you'd be wishing every time the phone rang just because I missed you...that it was her...even though she doesn't. And the only reason she'd need you...was for selfish reasons, or because she was suffering because of the mere fact that I had you; and for the first time-she didnt...at her beck and call, constantly begging for mercy.
But I wouldn't MAKE you beg.
I wouldn't make you wait.
I wouldn't make you feel desperate for me.
I would let you have me.
And I guess that's the difference between her and me. She doesn't value what I value about you...like how you love your mother, or your bravery, or your strength. Because all she cares about-is herself, and tearing holes into you because it makes her feel important.
And she doesn't love you.
She loves having you at her feet.

And I don't even have to know her to know-
That I could love you...
More than her any day.
Because I, would be at your feet-

Asking you what you needed,
Writing you sonnets,
Playing you songs.

I would be by YOUR side-
When you needed ME.
Forever and ever, nomatter what.

But I think that's the thing that makes me SO UPSET about this life. The fact that people that would fit together, get broken by the people that don't deserve them...then can never fully appreciate each-other.

"It's you that I see-but you don't see me...and it's you that I hear...so loud and so clear; I'll always be waiting for you..."-Coldplay

I will always be waiting for you

And you'll always, be waiting...for her.

But that is life; and the way it goes...


I just wish-I had something to be angry at.